Issue #350: A Non-Gambler's Guide to Las Vegas
Paradox Newsletter is on vacation. I do some of my best work on vacation. And, as you know, I rarely miss an issue. I am in Las Vegas for the first time. As a result, I will share with you a travel guide in the style I am sure you have come to enjoy.
To preempt myself, the thing about Vegas is gambling. If you’ve never been here, or you don’t like gambling, it might be hard to understand. For some reason, the most representative example of Jean Baudrillard's formulation of hyperreality has emerged like distorted tree branches from a trunk of slot machines, roulette tables, and hands of poker. I understand, intellectually, that gambling is popular. I understand, emotionally, that it is very fun and making some small number of dollars turn into a larger amount of dollars is a disorienting rush.
But even knowing those things, this is not a city that makes any sense to me. All of the shopping and ostentatiously presented assembly line food and sexual suggestion and concerts don’t really seem that coherent of a companion to gambling. Why take people’s attention away from the casino floor? If anything seems to follow some rote association of sense, the same skills underlie the work of the croupier and those of David Blaine or Criss Angel. Slight of hand, misdirection, whatever. The greater, symbolic logic works to align the magic show and the casino, too. But that’s not a novel point, I just never really thought about Now You See Me (2013) very hard.
There’s a lot I didn’t know about Vegas before coming here. Seemingly every hotel is a casino and every casino is a hotel. Each of these spaces are worlds unto themselves, complete with stores, eateries, and other forms of entertainment. I would imagine, even without gambling, it would be possible to spend an entire vacation in one particular casino. They are largely interchangeable from what I’ve experienced, but one might have a Popeyes where another has an Auntie Anne’s, one does a burlesque show where another has… Criss Angel. Some are more run down, others look ornate. It was only in Planet Hollywood where I saw scantly clad women dancing on tables before 6pm.
As for gambling, I did blow the entire $15 profit of the Paradox Newsletter Zine Distro on blackjack. But it took me pretty far. $15 became $5 which became $45, then back down, back up to $75, you get the idea, eventually it went to $0. This entire process felt to me like the trade up quest line in The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening (1993) except the final item I traded for was nothing.
It also brought some gravity to Ace’s (Robert De Niro) narration at the beginning of Casino (1995), which I watched on the plane over, “in the casino, the cardinal rule is to keep them playing and to keep them coming back. The longer they play, the more they lose, and in the end, we get it all.” It doesn’t just come out that way in the statistics and the obvious opulence of the casinos and the city, it feels that way. My misappropriated zine profits (which I will replenish from my bank account to continue to spread the culture, I assure you) existed in various numbers, various states: a readout on a LCD screen, chips, a payout slip, cold hard cash. But it ultimately disappeared in a form of exchange no different from dumping tokens into a DDR or Marvel vs. Capcom 2 (2000) machine.
Though one might argue otherwise, I believe myself to be the agent in my gambling choices. For starters, I played only blackjack because I like playing blackjack. That’s another thing about Vegas that belongs in the “I didn’t know” column: it’s all slot machines. The number of poker and blackjack tables or screens pale in comparison to the number of slots. Those are another thing I’ll never understand. But I do understand why blackjack is fun, even if I am terrible at it. Instead of extolling its virtues, losing $15 (net… the experience of “losing” my “winnings” felt so much worse than losing fifteen bucks) made me reflect on all of the ideas about competition I think about all the time. But, for the amount of thought I put into blackjack, gambling, and my experience, the conclusion is pretty simple. You can’t expect to win at something you’re not good at, and you can’t expect to be good without practice. I guess that’s what all those people are doing in front of the slot machines… practice.
What To Do In Vegas When You Are Not Losing Your Zine Distro Money
If you are following this section from the introduction, you might not have gotten the sense that I had a really good time in Las Vegas. But I did! I will almost assuredly come back. And these are the things I recommend doing if you are trying to have a good time without gambling.
Wear Supreme Clogposites
The Nike Clogposite is a true work of art. Long coveted by me, I got my first pair at the beginning of the summer and have worn them a lot. This pair is a collaboration with the skate streetwear brand Supreme and I got them from StockX under retail. I had a lowball bid on them that someone accepted just in time for them to arrive before my trip.
I don’t think I’ve ever been more approached and complimented wearing a pair of shoes. At CoolKicks, one of several sneaker stores inside the Ceasars Palace casino, three employees were thrilled to see them in the wild and another decided, I hope not simply to flatter me, that the Clogposites are actually cool. They are pretty comfortable to walk in.
Eat at Tacos El Gordo
Tacos El Gordo has locations across Nevada and Southern California, but I had never been to one before. In Vegas, I ate at two different ones, consistent quality at both. It was not just the best food I had in Vegas, but some of the best food I have ever eaten in my entire life.
Visit Omega Mart
Omega Mart is a much buzzed about instagram photo booth that doubles as a “mind-bending art experience.” In all seriousness, it’s very fun. While being slightly more crass than I expected, it was also much more engaging. I didn’t realize that the front section, which looks like a grocery store, is just a giant gift shop. There are all kinds of whacky products, all available for purchase. But the place also hides a story you can piece together through various ARG puzzles. It’s in the style of Control (2019) or Fringe (2008), the kind of science fiction I like most.
Do the Around the World Flight at the Coca-Cola Store
The Coca-Cola Store on the strip will sell you 16 small glasses of international sodas as a tasting flight. For me, this was awesome. Erin and I had a blast reviewing them all. Sprite Cucumber, from Romania, was our unanimous winner.
Survey the Weird Casino Malls
Yeah, every casino on the strip has a mall attached. It is bizarre. I guess for brick and mortar retail to survive, it should attach itself to a room of slot machines where smoking is allowed indoors.
Reading this list back, it doesn’t feel like a resounding endorsement. But it’s all better than it sounds. And who am I kidding? You’re gonna gamble, anyway. Just don’t exceed the profit of your extremely unprofitable enterprise shipping photocopied staple bound literature to Iceland and Japan.
Weekly Reading List
https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueFilm/comments/1fzngwh/mamoru_oshiis_review_of_blade_runner/?share_id=0cVGbP-9Zd03pTYLV0wCP — An enterprising reddit poster shared a translation of Mamoru Oshii’s comments on Blade Runner (1982) from the book Mamoru Oshii's 50 Films Over 50 Years (2020).
Until next time.